Best Laid Plans

My Day Off

Tuesday is my day off, and today was Tuesday.

My plans for my day off were as follows:

Go to Home Depot to pick up some odds and ends.
Get started on the bathroom remodeling project.
Lounge in the recliner with my feet up.
Watch Netflix.
Drink a few beers.
Take a nap – or two.

But late yesterday, on Monday afternoon, my phone rang and my best laid plans changed in a heartbeat – pun intended.

Heart Attack

I suffered a heart attack eight years ago and a Greenfield filter was installed inside my body when I was hospitalized.

As I understand it, in layman’s terms, the filter’s function is to trap any blood clots that may form in my legs and prevent them from traveling to my lungs and/or heart and killing me. So, obviously, I’m in favor of the Greenfield filter.

But two problems have arisen:

The filter migrated and no one knows where in hell it is.
Fitzgerald Mercy Hospital can’t find any record of the procedure.

Cardiac Ablation

Since I’m scheduled to undergo a cardiac ablation on September 17, the precise location of that Greenfield filter is crucial to the surgeon preforming the surgery. So Monday’s phone call was alerting me to get a cat scan ASAP. The scripts were already in the system. All I had to do was to call to set up an appointment and then go to the hospital and get it done.

And while I’m at it, blood work was also required. That script was also already in the system. Get the blood work done first – no appointment necesary.

New Plans

I called immediately and set up an appointment for the cat scan for 2 p.m. on Tuesday – my day off.

It’s important to note that I have two Titanium hips and a pair of sore knees. In other words, walking is no longer a fun proposition for me.

So here’s how my amended day off played out:

Left home at noon and drove into the Penn Presbyterian Hospital in University City – 39th and Filbert. That’s where they told me to go.
Found parking garage a block away.
Walked down five flights of steps because there were no signs indicating that an elevator existed.
Walked a block to the cardiac center.
Was told I was in wrong place. Go to Cupp Pavilion across the street.
Walked across the street and entered Cupp Pavilion at 1 p.m.

There, I was processed quickly for both the blood work and the cat scan. Gorgeous P.R. chica named Maria finished the blood work within 15 minutes. Everything was going smoothly and I was smiling.

While I was waiting for my cat scan, the receptionist called over to the cat scan department and told them I was ready for my appointment. That’s when they told her that I was in the wrong place. Seems I had to go to U of P Hospital at 34th and Spruce for my cat scan.

Walked a block back to the parking garage.
Found the elevator to get up to fifth level.
Paid my $7 and drove to U of P Hospital.
Spotted a cop giving a parking ticket to car that was illegally parked outside the hospital.
Stopped and asked the cop for directions to the closest parking garage.
Cop told me – four lights that way and make a left.
Drove to the garage. Tipped an attendant $5 to find me a parking spot and show me where to get the elevator – which he did.
Good news – shuttle service back to the hospital.
Shuttle dropped me off at quarter to two – still had time to be on time.
Gal at Information Booth directed me to cat scan department.
Walked two hundred yards to cat scan.
Uh-oh. Still wrong place. My appointment was really at the Perelman Center – two blocks down and on the other side of the street.
Walked two hundred yards back to the entrance and another city block. My knees were inflamed and I was sweating from the heat and humidity.
But I was finally there – 2:18 – and only 18 minutes late.

Waited half an hour.

Gorgeous tech named Nicole laid me out on the table and prepped me . . . waited a good fifteen minutes . . . that’s when she told me that the doctor sent the wrong prescription . . . phone calls back and forth . . . more waiting on the hard table watching the screen with my heart rhythm – resting pulse in the 50s.

Good news – doctor was sending the right prescription. But bad news – they needed the machine until they received the new script.
Got dressed and went back out to the waiting room.
Ten more minutes and a change of shifts.

Another gorgeous tech – named Amy – laid me out on the table and prepped me . . . Finally got the cat scan – only took about fifteen minutes this time.

Shuttled back to the parking garage . . . forgot what level I was on . . . rode the elevator three times until I found the right one . . . paid $5 and tipped the cashier $2 just for taking my money.

Drove home in rush-hour traffic and arrived home around five o’clock.

It took five hours – plus a lotta inconvenience and painful walking – for less than half an hour of procedures which will probably cost taxpayers better than $500.

What a pain in the ass.

Barry Bowe is also the author of: